Campaign Announcements

Hello, America. I am here to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I know these speeches typically save that announcement for the end, but that’s not how this campaign—or my presidency—is going to work.

After what has essentially been 12 years of Donald Trump, the Democratic Party feels to most Americans like their HR department—disconnected, bureaucratic, and uninspiring. Americans, especially Democrats, are desperate for real change. But that change isn’t coming from a “woke, cancel-culture” candidate like AOC, with buzzwords like Latinx or excessive focus on pronouns and land acknowledgments. Nor will it come from the neoliberalism of the Clinton era.

I will not apologize for past behavior or comments. Apologies serve no purpose—those who hate you or are angry with you will still hate you or remain angry. I don’t care what out-of-touch online activists in Bushwick or San Francisco think; they are a cancer to the party. It’s their nonsensical questionnaires that resulted in misguided policies like decriminalizing border crossings or "defund the police." I have common sense and do not value the opinions of low-IQ individuals who demand moral purity. This is real life, not the Disney Channel.

Look, I’m probably one of only 300 people in America who genuinely enjoys both Landman and Wicked: Part 1. These two couldn’t be further apart ideologically, and yet, they both resonate with me in completely different ways. I love Landman—Tommy, the crisis manager for an oil company, is absolutely amazing. The way he navigates high-stakes situations and cuts through bureaucracy is a masterclass in leadership. Watching him made me realize just how much red tape exists in our system—regulations that don’t protect anyone or anything but instead bog down progress. At the same time, I can’t get enough of Wicked, and I love making Dancing Through Life TikToks. Who says you can’t have it all? Life is about embracing contradictions and finding value in diverse perspectives, even when they challenge each other. That’s what authenticity is all about.

America deserves an authentic, flamboyant, and unapologetically arrogant president who tells it like it is. Someone who understands both the world of Gossip Girl and the grit of Friday Night Lights. The era of Obama, Biden, and Clinton economics and policies will end with my administration.

I get the issues everyday Americans face in their jobs. I’ve worked the awful retail grind at Target. I know how frustrating anti-union videos and repetitive anti-racism training sessions can be. In my administration, that nonsense won’t exist.

Let me be clear: I won’t pretend to enjoy campaigning in places like Iowa or New Hampshire. The presidential primary is now a truly national election. The economic struggles of rural "flyover" states and urban centers are often the same. This outdated idea that Iowa needs one thing while Georgia needs another is nonsense. All 50 states want the same basics—lower crime and less pointless bureaucracy.

And let’s be real: President Trump did fix some aspects of immigration. That’s a fact. Denying truths just because they don’t align with your party’s narrative is idiotic. Most Americans aren’t loyal Democrats or Republicans—they’re independent thinkers who are tired of political games.

I know people in small towns or rural states won’t like me. That’s fine. I’m not going to pretend to like them, either. But I will work to make their lives better. Removing those unnecessary diversity training videos we all hate? Done.

I’m not Hillary Clinton. I don’t need to fake enthusiasm for small-town America to prove I can do right by you. You’re smart enough to know that neither party’s candidates actually enjoy visiting your states. So let’s skip the charade. You either rock with me, or you don’t.

America is a lot like the New York Jets from 2019 to 2025—a chaotic mess, no matter who the quarterback, general manager, or head coach was. The dysfunction runs deep. It’s time to tear it all down and start fresh because the foundation itself is the problem. Politicians, their consultants, and focus-group-tested answers aren’t the solution. If they were, Gavin Newsom would already be the nominee.

Look, I enjoy Gavin Newsom’s podcast, but take a hard look at San Francisco and Skid Row. Do you really want that to represent the nominee?